Happy Freaking Valentines!
In the spirit of the season (LOL) first of all, I’d like to greet everybody a Happy Freaking Valentines Day. Enjoy the 24 hours, fill it with love, chocolates, cards, gifts and all the red stuff that you can get your hands on. May you max out your credit cards in the name of love. I know that will be expensive and damaging to your finances but you can take courage because although you’re a push away from being broke, you have expressed your undying and sometimes nauseating devotion towards that special someone.
…you know that’s really good, I should give Hallmark a call. 
I’m just kidding folks…well half kidding. I really puke (my inner child of course) over amorous declarations. Not that I haven’t done that in the past, because I did and look where it got me. Let’s just say maybe it works for a blessed few.
In the same manner how Christmas makes you think about family or the lack of one, Valentines makes me think about love and the obvious emptiness (gosh I’m being so dramatic aren’t I?)
I wish romance was my priority, much like how I strongly feel about making a career out of music, about learning Spanish, about travelling to Spain, about experiencing culture. I mean it must feel good, that’s why almost everyone is going after it. I can’t put together how people try to live out their dreams and still have time to find love. For me it sounds like too much work; I can only be passionate about 2 or 3 things, romance is like a huge deal.
I don’t dream about romance as much as I dream about making music. It makes me dizzy even thinking about how I will work my routine (workout, piano, singing, writing) around a girlfriend. I am in no way saying that a girlfriend takes up a huge chunk of space in someone’s life……well okay I am.
Honestly I don’t see myself wanting to share my life with someone soon or yet. Maybe when I’ve already done the things I wanted. Maybe I’m just scared.
I think I can attribute this fear to the rejection from girls I’ve had throughout the course of my life. Here’s a few.
1. I like someone else.
2. I just don’t look at you that way.
3. You already know who I like.
4. You’re kidding right?
5. I chose him.
6. I love you as a friend.
7. I love you as a brother.
8. Didn’t we already have this conversation?
9. I need some space.
I’m going to psycho-analyze myself: I think this indifference I have towards romance is real due to my failure in courtship.
I just got tired of putting an effort at all and I immediately assume it’s all in vain anyway, girls will not like me enough to want to be with me. Oh God I’m so pathetic!
A guy can only do so much. A lot of people say that I’m still young and I will find her. But I say either give me a freaking GPS or forget it. There are those who say that the challenge will make it more worthwile…I’m sorry that’s what you say to talk someone into running a marathon, I’m asthmatic, I’ll just take a nap.
Everyone has some glorious story about love and how it conquers even the most difficult of odds. But at this moment I don’t think romance is any easier than finding your way towards a career. At least in seeking a career you can always practice more, learn a new repertoire, but with romance, you just put your heart on the chopping block and hope for the best. Sorry, been there, I don’t think my heart can take another blow.
For me romance and career is a fork in the road. I can’t have both at the same time. I’ve always had success with music and although I’m not at my preferred career, it does augment my needs and helps immensely when I want to shop. But with romance, so far all it left me was an ailing heart and a bruised spirit. So don’t generalize my experience as something that can be easily overcome by sheer courage and determination. Maybe that’s your passion or talent even, or maybe your desperation has sent a signal to the universe to send down the angel you’ve been searching for. I’m not desperate, lonely, but not deseperate.
Despite what the movies show about romance, it didn’t get me anywhere nice. Romance has gotten me lost and way off track. It’s uncertain, and these days and under these circumstances, considering all that I’ve been through and all that I’ve given up for love, I need certainty. Yes you say I won’t ever find that, well then, maybe I was never meant for romance.
We all take risks in love, I’m just too much of baby I guess to get back in the game. It sure would be nice to celebrate Valentines in its true nature, but if it costs me more than I can afford, I’ll sit this one out just like the previous ones.
Love is a great thing, romance is everybody’s dream. But not everyone can have it all, maybe a fortunate blessed few. I think I’m better of thinking about the present and all that I’ve been given (music etc.) than longing for something that never worked out for me in the first place. I admit I’m lonely, only because I have yet to experience romance and sometimes it makes me doubt on who I really am and what I meant for. I’m just being myself.
I’don’t mean to be a downer…I do wish everyone a Happy Valentines Day.
Enjoy the day peeps.
Cheers,
rj
