Help I’m Lovesick

Day 3 – Panic. Okay you know what, this derranged, lovesick, puppy-no-home feeling is beginning to take its toll, well not literally seeing as I’m still a big waterbag. I just can’t have this right now. I mean, it’s ridiculous. I’ve had love-dreams before, but this one definitely sticks. (When I say love-dream, I don’t mean the full sense of the phrase involving a bed, dimmed lights and Boyz 2 Men). Vivid doesn’t begin to describe it, it was in Dolby Surround Sound, it was like a freakin’ IMAX. And the feelings we’re real, as if in real life it exists. Then my sister makes a cameo and I wake up.I desperately tried to get back in but it was too late. I shared this recent debacle with my other sister which proved to be a mistake since she lauged at my face and started inserting “making-out” in her sentences every chance she gets. I totally understand, what does a 15 year old teenage Prom Queen know about complicated feelings exuding from a nocturnal, sub-concioncious manifestation of amorous intentions inside the the organ of thought. I’m babbling, I admit. But it’s been so long, it has been VERY VERY VERY long since these feelings surfaced. Let me set things straight, this thing is a crush, a crush high on crack and on steroids. I’m not in-love, because it’s a choice and honestly I didn’t choose to have a love-dream nor did I wish to, well I guess my subconcious did but he’s never cooperative anyway and doesn’t give notice when he wants to make me talk in my sleep and dream about being dumbstruck when Regine V. asked me a question. Hold that thought, this thing with the Songbird is a different dream and has no correlation with my love-dream. It would’ve been nice if she was the soundtrack to my very own mental chick-flick, but no, I had Hillsong’s The Time Has Come blaring in my mind’s ear (yeah my subconcious is a huge fan of Hillsong, right now Take It All is on repeat and it’s only 7 am). So I somehow feel like Joseph the Dreamer except I didn’t need to interpret stacks of hay and planets to know what the dream was about. It was very straight forward. And no it was not porn. Alright! I can ignore it and maybe it would go away…maybe it won’t but still, a combined effort of mind, determination, will and 300cc of normalcy shall be appropriated towards the evasion and annihilation of these really nice, bubbly, comfy fellings. I can’t, I just can’t. It’s been such a while since I’ve invested some interest in socio-luveyduvey interaction. I don’t miss it, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I’m rejecting it. But I have to reject it and eject it from my system, even if I have to cut off my arm to do it, no wait that was the Catalan soap opera talking. So what do I do? It’s common knowledge that this person likes someone else. Ughhh, and the sight of that said attraction pierced through like a corkscrew to a cork on a fine bottle of Sauvignon. YES, I need a drink to give me a major headache and perhaps knock me off this downward spiral. This can’t end well. OMG. I just hope there’s enough Aegis repertoire at the karaoke, I might as well blow-off some steam while vocalizing Intergalactic High Notes. And I’ll definitely run to my poetry mill and start piling up those love-poems I won’t even have the faintest courage to send. Exactly, I’m just very scared right now. For so long I have not wanted another human being’s company, except for my sister and her ability to drive, cause I…can’t…drive. What am I going to do send flowers? Chocolates? Tickets to see Transformers 2 (June 24, 2009 YEAH)? But I’ve made a rule for myself already that I’ll start dating, OKAY FINE, inaugurate my FIRST EVER DATE when I’ve got things settled ie. degree, driver’s license, car, career and David Phelps’ High C and so forth. Speaking of rules, my good friend Josh Harris advised to not date until I’m sure of what I want in the relationship and know where it’s going. See, there! I’m getting way ahead of myself. So what if I had a tiny love-dream, a tiny insignificant love-dream, a fraction of a speck of dust that is this tiny insignificant love-dream that’s driving me crazy to the core of my core. I’m just overreacting, overthinking, that’s what I do. Any insights? Wow, I’ve never asked for insights before, about my personal life that is. But this time I’ve found a new level of CRAP. My brain’s fried, I enjoyed that love-dream way too much that my senses have dulled, my rationale has gone wonky and my sense of direction just took a week off. Where is my moral compass when I need it. Better yet where is my stupidity compass so I can at least know if I’m being an idiot or not. Do I go against the tide or let it wash me back to shore. I could drown myself, but salt water is very rough on my throat, any hopes of a High C would be at a loss. Let’s go over the evasion and annihilation plan. How do I go about it? Sure I’ve done this before, but this time my subconcious has gone to the Dark Side and has pit me against my weakness and has inevitably infected my concious self. Like I always say we have to be masters of our emotions, we shouldn’t let it run amok…I SHOULD RUN AMOK! No no no. That’s wrong. Crazy crazy wrong. What do I do, I see this person almost everyday, we interact, we share laughs. This time, my evil subconcious has joined the Fallen and constantly whispering, “DO IT DO IT DO IT”. Do what exactly? Act on my instinctive love-nature (which was quite inaccurate many a time, please refer to ‘Annals of Rj’s Pitiful Love Life Vol. 3′ for further details), become uber-friends, hold hands and hope to God I won’t get slapped or beat-up whichever comes first? I can become a secret admirer because that has brought me years of joyous self-pity and a broken self-worth. It’s certain I’m facing a major heart-surgery this time, this person likes someone else. I’m a lover not a fighter! That’s bunch bull-crap. I just don’t believe in swords and rifles and duels and stuff for love. I mean, this person likes this other person and it’s plain they share the same sentiment, I’m not going to wedge myself in between. Oh please spare me the, ‘May the Best Man Win’ speech. I’ve fought and lost before, it hardly is ever worth it. I know the feeling of losing, but I also know the dreadful feeling for the loser if I win. I can’t be okay with that, not that I think I stand a chance with the other guy; I’m short and not very agile in the punching department, if the competition was highest note or longest note, I may have a fighting chance. I would consult physicians, chiropractors, orthodontists and cardiologists and perhaps a random person, but I need to sort it out on my own first. It’s not that I can’t let this go. It’s just that the feeling is great, exhilarating, almost inspiring. But the reality it may not materialize or even take to a specific direction is not so great. Which brings me to my final questions; Do I keep on relishing the feeling and keep my fingers crossed and get up the courage to ask or do I right click and move to trash? The latter would be very easy if it weren’t for the fact that I’m loving the feeling. It’s settled then! I’m going to ride this through and see how far down the road it takes me and gear up for potential fatal and irreversible heartbreak, I’ll score one more for Team Misery. As if Humpty Dumpty learned his lesson after the first time, he would’ve if he had been put back together like I was, but the king’s men were wusses. Come to think of it what wackjob person sits on a wall knowing you may end up like the next Breakfast Special at Chilli’s? Me. Yeah, it’s true, I need some Drama in my life, the ‘Ol Thumper shouldn’t be left too cozily whole for an extended amount of time. Maybe this time I’ll learn to write songs, but I’ll probably end up writing Country; Nothing says Country than a heartbreak and a dying sheep. UPDATE: I have Whitney Houston’s Where Do Broken Hearts Go on repeat for the past 5 hours. Yeah, I’m beginning to lose it. And I’ve just dedicated SIX Songs of the Day to Bub. I think I’m past LOVESICK and in the throes of MUSHYNESS now. OMG, hasn’t the Pharamaceutical community invented a decongestant for this sick feeling of fluff and puff! Where is lightning when you need it to strike?